This begins the actual amends-making process. As we enter this phase we must keep in mind that our main purpose is to resolve our own guilt—nothing more. Anything else that happens, for better or worse, is secondary and in no way affects the primary purpose of our action.

Direct amends are preferably made face-to-face to the party involved. If it is not possible to do it in person, amends may be made via telephone or by letter correspondence or via email. But what about the case of a deceased person, possibly a parent or other relative or close friend? Amends can still be made. Some possible approaches include:

a) A visit to the grave with your sponsor or advisor for support.

2. b) A letter to the deceased person shared with a sponsor or advisor as a

surrogate.

1. Resolve the guilty feelings by making amends to a living person who
2. may fulfill a similar role

in the social dynamic of your current life situation.

Each of these options should be considered very carefully with an experienced sponsor or a therapist before making an attempt to utilize them.

It is important to distinguish between an apology and an amend, because they are not at all the same thing. An apology requires a forgiving response from the other person in order to be successful, but an amend does not. An apology is bilateral and an amend is unilateral. An apology is not successful unless the other person accepts it, and an amend is successful regardless of acceptance or lack of acceptance. Why? First, we have absolutely no control over how another person responds to anything we may do or say. We cannot control any other human being. Second, our purpose in making the amend is to relieve ourselves of our own burden of guilt, or, simply put, to forgive ourselves. While the cooperation of another person is required for us to do a 9th Step, the way that the other person responds to our amend is not pivotal to the success of the Step. Once we have done all we can do to put the situation right, we can forgive ourselves whether or not anyone else forgives us, and that is the objective of this exercise from the beginning. We suffer from the guilt we impose upon ourselves, because guilt cannot truly be imposed by someone else at all. We choose to carry or let go of our own baggage.

The last clause of the 9th Step points to the issue of pure motives. We should not make any revelation to another person that could injure that person or anyone else, no matter what the circumstance. The reason is simple: we cannot resolve our guilt by creating more guilt. There are some things we may never be able to reveal to the person involved without violation of this principle. The issue should be addressed with one's sponsor. We should ask the question vis a vis each ambiguous situation: "Am I truly motivated to free myself of my guilt or do I really want to inflict pain on this person under the guise of total honesty?"

Finally, we should never reveal specifics such as names of third parties that could hurt them in any way. It is one thing to discuss extra-marital affairs when necessary, but it is quite another to reveal the names of those involved. We cannot build our sobriety on the hurt feelings of other people.

Before concluding our 9th Step discussion let us look at the issue of humility and fear. Making honest amends requires a good measure of humility. Let us remember that humility is defined as a right understanding of our relationship with the God of our non-understanding (compare Step 7 commentary). Some of the resultant qualities which come about with greater humility are a positive self-image, courage and becoming more resolute in the knowledge that we are a perfect creation in our Higher Power’s eyes. With the gift of humility we can make amends safely and securely with the knowledge that even while accepting responsibility for our past behavior, we are invulnerable by virtue of who we were created by a transcendent Being to be. Humility dispels fear and protects us no matter how someone responds to our amend.